Here is a song for you child of mine, I hope you make it through this time. Get yourself a piece of that rainbow pie, no reason in the world you can't get by.

catch it if you can.

oh my lonely diamond heart

so do you know i'm a dancer now with red painted lips, and a jezebel crown. so have you heard, i'm a singer now with reliquary eyes, and a diadem frown. But i look for you in the diamond trees and this highway divine. Deliver me. Your father died a month ago and we scattered his ashes in the snow. But oh my lonely diamond heart, it misses you so well. Oh my lonely diamond heart, it misses you oh well. I had a man in every town And I thought of you each time I tore off my gown. Changes have come and I cannot recall the shape of your face through the winters and falls. But I look for you in the traffic seas and the bars I'm always frequenting. Holidays are the hardest hours of the year.

Oh my lonely diamond heart it misses you so well.
Oh my lonely diamond heart it misses you oh well.

traveling north to find you

here i am.

someone you have always known

Undeserving. Sleeping all of my days, I just cannot stop sleeping. And with absolutely nothing to say.

yes. i am walking away with love in my eyes.

okay. so here is the deal. i don't deserve anything right now. not a single damn thing. i have never felt so far from myself, like such a cheat, like a born and raised liar. Almost like the end was too near and I knew it, so I took advantage of it all. And now the time comes to say my goodbyes and hide somewhere safe for a while.

Here I am, walking away with love in my eyes and feeling completely torn apart. Knowing, in the bitter end, I will probably have made the wrong decision. So my idealistic behavior might take its last fault and swallow itself in utter bitterness.

Addicted to reading

It's true, I am addicted to reading books! Aside from traveling and writing, books are my supreme obsession.

you think "if only i could get myself out of here and to another city, then, and only then will i be better."
i've got news for you friends, the picking up and moving part is never going to solve anything.
his bright green eyes glazing over to some glassy gray film, Saturn orbiting our hearts

it just seems it's best to keep rolling, figuring out, and never settle for less than best. this i know full well.

to just feel that smooth silk warmth between my fingertips. to have it then.

when this chair is too hard and we walk out of the apartment on a Friday night hearing echoes of madness in the city. buy a bottle of cheap white wine, suck my fingers, and call it a night. sometimes i think of spending the rest of my life alone, sometimes i think in the end ultimately that just might be the best way to end up. without a partner, hassle, and arguments, without him in the end. sometimes i like to think about that.
especially on nights like this, when the two of us are the only one's in this room and we are breathing one another in so deep, i hate it. what might become of us. sometimes you're just bullshit sleeping next to me and i need a drink to get rid of it. other days you're the midnights one star, almost as if my life depended on it's burning light.
Might light a match and set this room on fire, my hearts pretty sick these days, other days it's full. and I am either terrible, or the best at everything i do. even you.

to have it then, that smooth silk, i am dying without it.

~~~~~~
gulping down my Riesling
like its suppose to make me feel better
but we all know
in the end
(in its ultimate end)
i'll be head over,
skin damp,
hair tangled,
asking myself,
why in its ultimate end did i fail again?

a miserable thing, it is.

there are hills on this road

And I am just thinking of the days that will soon be here when all I will have to do is create and create and breathe. I will love this then.

Sometimes there are places where it seems like the sun does not even exist. You think to yourself it must be curled up somewhere in a cloud, hiding dirty and becoming raw. Will it ever break off to suck me up, or am I being tricked?
There was a day I used to write just to keep myself from sleeping, now is the day I write to keep myself alive.

you're a fool spinning smoke

i'm not trying to write pretty anymore, i am really just trying to spit my soul out. Mostly because it hurts to swallow and my stomach is turning itself.

I woke up at 3:30am burning from the inside out, a fever was taking hold of me and so i attempted to cool off my body. Stumbling into the bathroom I coughed up my lungs, trying to breath in dry air. I was unsuccessful. So I drowned my tears in too much medicine, laid my head down by his feet and closed my eyes. Still unable to breath and holding ever so dearly to his legs while stuffing my brain with what the next days would be bringing me. Hopes of only a clear throat, circulated oxygen, and a light chest.
I am sure the day is dead soon.

i have an afternoon today

I live in some mellow sort of city where lights are very yellow against hazy clouds. There are two mountains diagonally from one another with tips covered in snow, ice, and sleet. Below those two mountains lie the Willamette River with bridges so glorious and long you would never know when you made it to the other side because sometimes you're following the scenery instead. Traveling on that bridge is a young lady with blue eyes and a scratchy throat, that young lady is I. Sick again in the midst of an afternoon traveling across the Willamette River on a bridge, two mountains so white to look up at, and this rigid feeling inside of my chest. I am coughing up the everyday and breathing in the ocean. You'd think by now my insides would be worn out, however I still have time to spare. Sleeping a twelve hour night and swallowing pills that don't seem to be working. For now I will press my face to the cold glass with rain hitting the outside. The window shivering like myself and the world just eating me up for the eighteenth time, but at least it's a new part of the world to taste.

Vashti Bunyan at 10:36pm

Outside it's blowing against my window and inside is Vashti Bunyan singing through my speakers. This is really just another honest blog about my thoughts with pictures, it is probably my sixth active blog on the internet.
Let me just take a moment to mention how much I firmly believe Vashti is an amazing woman. She is the epitome of it all, from her Train Song to Pink Sugar Elephants I have definitely got her on my top 100 list. Her accent is phenominal, the notes she chooses to strum, and the ups and downs of her vocal chords are perfect.
Literally, an amazing woman. "Traveling north, traveling north to find you. Train wheels beating, the wind in my eyes. Don’t even know what I’ll find when I get to you. Call out your name love, don’t be surprised. It’s so many miles and so long since I’ve met you. Don’t even know what I’ll find when I get to you. But suddenly now, I know where I belong. It’s many hundred miles but it won’t be long."

ten feet tall

Just some girl blurbing and feeling ten feet tall.