if i were a stranger to you again, would you dance with me tonight?

leaving is not enough; you must
stay gone. train your heart
like a dog. change the locks
even on the house he’s never
visited. you lucky, lucky girl.
you have an apartment
just your size. a bathtub
full of tea. a heart the size
of Arizona, but not nearly
so arid. don’t wish away
your cracked past, your
crooked toes, your problems
are papier mache puppets
you made or bought because the vendor
at the market was so compelling you just
had to have them. you had to have him.
and you did. and now you pull down
the bridge between your houses,
you make him call before
he visits, you take a lover
for granted, you take
a lover who looks at you
like maybe you are magic. make
the first bottle you consume
in this place a relic. place it
on whatever altar you fashion
with a knife and five cranberries.
don’t lose too much weight.
stupid girls are always trying
to disappear as revenge. and you
are not stupid. you loved a man
with more hands than a parade
of beggars, and here you stand. heart
like a four-poster bed. heart like a canvas.
heart leaking something so strong
they can smell it in the street.

Here is a song for you child of mine, I hope you make it through this time. Get yourself a piece of that rainbow pie, no reason in the world you can't get by.

catch it if you can.

oh my lonely diamond heart

so do you know i'm a dancer now with red painted lips, and a jezebel crown. so have you heard, i'm a singer now with reliquary eyes, and a diadem frown. But i look for you in the diamond trees and this highway divine. Deliver me. Your father died a month ago and we scattered his ashes in the snow. But oh my lonely diamond heart, it misses you so well. Oh my lonely diamond heart, it misses you oh well. I had a man in every town And I thought of you each time I tore off my gown. Changes have come and I cannot recall the shape of your face through the winters and falls. But I look for you in the traffic seas and the bars I'm always frequenting. Holidays are the hardest hours of the year.

Oh my lonely diamond heart it misses you so well.
Oh my lonely diamond heart it misses you oh well.

traveling north to find you

here i am.

someone you have always known

Undeserving. Sleeping all of my days, I just cannot stop sleeping. And with absolutely nothing to say.

yes. i am walking away with love in my eyes.

okay. so here is the deal. i don't deserve anything right now. not a single damn thing. i have never felt so far from myself, like such a cheat, like a born and raised liar. Almost like the end was too near and I knew it, so I took advantage of it all. And now the time comes to say my goodbyes and hide somewhere safe for a while.

Here I am, walking away with love in my eyes and feeling completely torn apart. Knowing, in the bitter end, I will probably have made the wrong decision. So my idealistic behavior might take its last fault and swallow itself in utter bitterness.

Addicted to reading

It's true, I am addicted to reading books! Aside from traveling and writing, books are my supreme obsession.

you think "if only i could get myself out of here and to another city, then, and only then will i be better."
i've got news for you friends, the picking up and moving part is never going to solve anything.
his bright green eyes glazing over to some glassy gray film, Saturn orbiting our hearts

it just seems it's best to keep rolling, figuring out, and never settle for less than best. this i know full well.

to just feel that smooth silk warmth between my fingertips. to have it then.

when this chair is too hard and we walk out of the apartment on a Friday night hearing echoes of madness in the city. buy a bottle of cheap white wine, suck my fingers, and call it a night. sometimes i think of spending the rest of my life alone, sometimes i think in the end ultimately that just might be the best way to end up. without a partner, hassle, and arguments, without him in the end. sometimes i like to think about that.
especially on nights like this, when the two of us are the only one's in this room and we are breathing one another in so deep, i hate it. what might become of us. sometimes you're just bullshit sleeping next to me and i need a drink to get rid of it. other days you're the midnights one star, almost as if my life depended on it's burning light.
Might light a match and set this room on fire, my hearts pretty sick these days, other days it's full. and I am either terrible, or the best at everything i do. even you.

to have it then, that smooth silk, i am dying without it.

~~~~~~
gulping down my Riesling
like its suppose to make me feel better
but we all know
in the end
(in its ultimate end)
i'll be head over,
skin damp,
hair tangled,
asking myself,
why in its ultimate end did i fail again?

a miserable thing, it is.