today

it hurts. it hurts. it hurts. just like it used to hurt. i remember this feeling.



& your face looked like sunshine, what a beautiful thing. what a face to miss.

regret.guilt.remorse.

{YOU}

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
The days get longer and I become even more restless than I was two years ago. You'd think by now I'd be flying and singing and swimming seas, but the tide of guilt washes over me instead. each day bringing me something good to take in, but my restless heart still attempting comfort from decisions, heartbreak, naivety that I made happen years ago.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

But no matter how many times I say it or dream about forgiveness in my sleep, I still want to tell you I'm sorry.
Because if it's any solace nowadays my heart is more broken than it was then. You've got this lingering about you, it's been wrapped inside of me for so many years. My mental health and broken spirit needs mending, terribly, terribly soon.


Will I ever get over this? Will it always linger behind my eyelids and in the crevices of my bones?





{ DON'T EVEN KNOW }

it's not fair to have so much expectation on such a broken girl

will I ever get back to myself?

i'm a drifter and a gypsy

there used to be days where the sea met my toes and my hair would tangle itself together like seaweed, with hints of watery salt sticking to my skin. i would lay myself down along the edge of the ocean in the middle of the night listening to echoes of madness and let the darkness swallow me up into its soft, feathery insides. i could always feel my tears filling up my eyes while they trickled alongside my cheeks and felt my throat closing in on itself. i remember this night as clearly as it was to me on that very day, your voice and my heart. suffocating. somewhere along the west coast I lost myself. tall forest trees towering themselves over my delicate figure with the cold air creeping into my bones. it was wet, distant, lonely. half of me loved you and the other half was my madness. with myself, with creativity, with existence. what is a young, naive girl climbing trees of brokenness and confusion, swimming the seas with her fear? it is loneliness that can choke you and bring out the darkest corners of your mind. it is loneliness that invades, suffocates, resonates the interior of the heart. it simply broke her in half. and as days, months, years seem to sweep themselves together, there is a permanent malignity that pervades the most simplistic of moments inside of her.
it appears to me that after all of this time the answers become questions. where have I been? who do I love? what will come of me? these days are harder than ever while sifting through the chaos of the mind. I have peace with myself while at other times my body begins to break. I do not want to lose this fight but it seems that everything of my present state brings me back to those days along the west coast. I lost myself to the sea. I lost you to the moon. I lost us in everything.

today is stability. strength. future. hope. peace. forever.

This one is for you; Like we used to.

Here I am in my newly comfortable age of 22 years and offering the world all the goodness that I can possibly find within myself. I want to give it all to you. But there is this knocking in my chest, it can come so suddenly and find its way through my veins, flushing the significance of its slim tender parts along the beautiful sides of my body, along the insides.

I am terrified by this dark thing
That sleeps in me;
All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity.

The way things once were, shifting and satisfied with a warm love. Soft, delectable. It cushioned me lovingly. I woke to strength, warm sides, but suffocated myself with a cacophony of tenderness when I realized it was not meant for me. That I had to shake myself away from those places & those men. Here I am. Here I am. Waking and living. I am only growing more beautiful as the day brings itself to me.


& where is he? Doesn't he know how impatient I am? How much I feel when I fall asleep at night and the words that are consistently spewing from my hands? They are all for him. Sometimes I fear he will never find me. I am locked away and feeling this suffocation, when all I need is the simplicity of him to hold my heart and know that it is everything he has ever dreamed of experiencing. The excitability, the passionate nights of holding on tight to each other, and those silky dreams of traveling to far distant lands. I'm right here, but you haven't found me yet. And it's getting harder to believe. Please come soon. I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to give you something good to hold on to when you are feeling alone. I can offer you this unique beauty that you will never find anywhere else.

something really beautiful

I need to write. I need to get so many words out of my chest and make these thoughts into something tangible. For my sanity, I am in need of this.

As soon as this semester is over, I am going to tell you something really beautiful about myself.

keep your composure

& don't let anything get in the way. Don't let this stop you, don't let this slow you down. Keep your composure, your grace & purity.. they are the characteristics that separate you from the rest. Your innocence is your happiness.

{& sometimes you must recognize that you can't trust them, because their mouths are growing wide}

so i'll write you a song and hope somewhere in your sleep you'll sing along

For some reason..I will never forgive myself. No matter how much time passes, no matter how beautiful I feel, or how many songs I sing & dance along to, or the places I go and the people I meet or the drinks I drink. I just won't ever forget how naive I once was and how I only wish I could take that back and have made the right decision. Because I miss everything, more than you could possibly even imagine.. but I guess I am better off.. we are better off.

But my heart is breaking and I'm still smiling because I feel like that's the only way to hold myself up, out of the misery of this guilt and shame, but isn't it true that I'll never get over you?
Because I was in love, we were so in love, but a young woman's innocence can be so gentle, so naive and inconsistent at times that she does not always understand the direction love will take her, and how it suffocates the corners of your heart, how it seeps and lets in a contagious sort of disease of temptation and anguish.
It has been so long since I last saw your face or heard your voice, or touched your sides, but I think about it almost everyday, and how I put this distance between us. How it was my actions that fueled this misery that I put the both of us through.
I hope I never know when you have found the love of your life, I never want to hear about it. Because you took all of this away from me, and left me standing on the wayside hoping this ship drifts towards the ocean bay soon, because I'm cold, and tired.
I just want to go home.