today

it hurts. it hurts. it hurts. just like it used to hurt. i remember this feeling.



& your face looked like sunshine, what a beautiful thing. what a face to miss.

regret.guilt.remorse.

{YOU}

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
The days get longer and I become even more restless than I was two years ago. You'd think by now I'd be flying and singing and swimming seas, but the tide of guilt washes over me instead. each day bringing me something good to take in, but my restless heart still attempting comfort from decisions, heartbreak, naivety that I made happen years ago.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

But no matter how many times I say it or dream about forgiveness in my sleep, I still want to tell you I'm sorry.
Because if it's any solace nowadays my heart is more broken than it was then. You've got this lingering about you, it's been wrapped inside of me for so many years. My mental health and broken spirit needs mending, terribly, terribly soon.


Will I ever get over this? Will it always linger behind my eyelids and in the crevices of my bones?





{ DON'T EVEN KNOW }

it's not fair to have so much expectation on such a broken girl

will I ever get back to myself?

i'm a drifter and a gypsy

there used to be days where the sea met my toes and my hair would tangle itself together like seaweed, with hints of watery salt sticking to my skin. i would lay myself down along the edge of the ocean in the middle of the night listening to echoes of madness and let the darkness swallow me up into its soft, feathery insides. i could always feel my tears filling up my eyes while they trickled alongside my cheeks and felt my throat closing in on itself. i remember this night as clearly as it was to me on that very day, your voice and my heart. suffocating. somewhere along the west coast I lost myself. tall forest trees towering themselves over my delicate figure with the cold air creeping into my bones. it was wet, distant, lonely. half of me loved you and the other half was my madness. with myself, with creativity, with existence. what is a young, naive girl climbing trees of brokenness and confusion, swimming the seas with her fear? it is loneliness that can choke you and bring out the darkest corners of your mind. it is loneliness that invades, suffocates, resonates the interior of the heart. it simply broke her in half. and as days, months, years seem to sweep themselves together, there is a permanent malignity that pervades the most simplistic of moments inside of her.
it appears to me that after all of this time the answers become questions. where have I been? who do I love? what will come of me? these days are harder than ever while sifting through the chaos of the mind. I have peace with myself while at other times my body begins to break. I do not want to lose this fight but it seems that everything of my present state brings me back to those days along the west coast. I lost myself to the sea. I lost you to the moon. I lost us in everything.

today is stability. strength. future. hope. peace. forever.