there used to be days where the sea met my toes and my hair would tangle itself together like seaweed, with hints of watery salt sticking to my skin. i would lay myself down along the edge of the ocean in the middle of the night listening to echoes of madness and let the darkness swallow me up into its soft, feathery insides. i could always feel my tears filling up my eyes while they trickled alongside my cheeks and felt my throat closing in on itself. i remember this night as clearly as it was to me on that very day, your voice and my heart. suffocating. somewhere along the west coast I lost myself. tall forest trees towering themselves over my delicate figure with the cold air creeping into my bones. it was wet, distant, lonely. half of me loved you and the other half was my madness. with myself, with creativity, with existence. what is a young, naive girl climbing trees of brokenness and confusion, swimming the seas with her fear? it is loneliness that can choke you and bring out the darkest corners of your mind. it is loneliness that invades, suffocates, resonates the interior of the heart. it simply broke her in half. and as days, months, years seem to sweep themselves together, there is a permanent malignity that pervades the most simplistic of moments inside of her.
it appears to me that after all of this time the answers become questions. where have I been? who do I love? what will come of me? these days are harder than ever while sifting through the chaos of the mind. I have peace with myself while at other times my body begins to break. I do not want to lose this fight but it seems that everything of my present state brings me back to those days along the west coast. I lost myself to the sea. I lost you to the moon. I lost us in everything.
today is stability. strength. future. hope. peace. forever.
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