Beneath the Surface

There used to be days where the sea met my toes and my hair would tangle and salt would stick to my skin. I would lie down along the midnight shores and listen to echoes of madness. The darkness would swallow me up, its soft, feathery insides. I remember tears, my throat closing in, silent, static. Cold air would seep into my bones. Wet, distant, lonely. A permanent malignity sifting through the chaos of my mind.

drawing down the moon

I don't know where to start. I'm living with what seems to be an incredibly mundane lifestyle with some bliss, a touch of sadness, but mostly confusion. Tangible days. I wish I could say something. Really anything about this. It would be healthy of me if I could. But this is as much as I will be able to get out of me. "Another layer of closure" My watery eyes know what my heart feels like. They are embracing this feeling like it might be the last touch of me they will ever know. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Maybe it doesn't mean as much to me as I thought it would. It comes in waves. One hour everything is sailing, but so swiftly my thoughts divert back towards us. I feel a crash against the shore. Give me time because it's the only thing I have to keep you from me.

sometimes i can feel it;
sometimes i can even see it;

my heart fall from my chest and shatter itself at my feet.
clamored and scattered across the dark cement.
so there i am left.
gaping hole;
frozen face;
the most important piece of my body
gone
missing.

this night is all too familiar for me.
the loneliness of my cluttered apartment, the soft eery glow emitting from the kitchen, cool silent air seeping in through the windows.
i feel it in my bones again. it won't go away. it's never gone away.

the tears, the choking and screaming, collapsing and laughing.
moods like the changes of the season.
her darkness a secret to the afternoon.


i'm living with my loneliness again, something i've known for far too long now.
a young single woman in her dreamlike world.
a garden growing inside of her chest
like love sprouting itself around her.

i woke up and this is who i became.

lovely. complex. mad.

everyone thinks they have figured out the lives of those around them, but little do they know that this young lady, this one right here has fooled you with her smile.

I really need a different perspective when it comes to: relationships, men, dating, etc. etc. etc.

It's either that or probably being single for the rest of my life.. which wouldn't be a totally terrible thing because then it just gives me more of an excuse to travel and love on orphan children in all kinds of enchanting countries around the world... I wouldn't ever feel alone and there would be an abundant amount of unconditional love that wouldn't break me for any reason. My mind wouldn't be filled up with petty thoughts, cynicism, or frustration... hmm... now that I think about it... it actually doesn't seem like such a bad idea.
Besides, all I really want out of this life is to love others, to inspire others, and to give peace to others. As far as I'm concerned I have noticed men seem to just get in the way of things and distract me from what really matters and what I really want.

Whatever ends up happening I just want to be apart of something greater than myself.

wake up, sleepyhead

It's important to feel beautiful and feel confident in everything you do, in everything you wear, in everything you give, most importantly in everything you emit.

let the sun bring you light, let its wings carry you through the murky waters

{don't be restless, find contentment, remember gratitude, know peace.}

sometimes. .

you have to feel these old familiar feelings... the sadness and discomfort, the turning stomaches with your throat closing in... sometimes you have to feel these things in order to know when that one beautiful thing comes along and finds you.. then you will recognize its unique essence in your life and how you can never let it escape.

have solace.


understand the reason for your sadness.

because beauty will find you.

today

it hurts. it hurts. it hurts. just like it used to hurt. i remember this feeling.



& your face looked like sunshine, what a beautiful thing. what a face to miss.

regret.guilt.remorse.

{YOU}

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
The days get longer and I become even more restless than I was two years ago. You'd think by now I'd be flying and singing and swimming seas, but the tide of guilt washes over me instead. each day bringing me something good to take in, but my restless heart still attempting comfort from decisions, heartbreak, naivety that I made happen years ago.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

But no matter how many times I say it or dream about forgiveness in my sleep, I still want to tell you I'm sorry.
Because if it's any solace nowadays my heart is more broken than it was then. You've got this lingering about you, it's been wrapped inside of me for so many years. My mental health and broken spirit needs mending, terribly, terribly soon.


Will I ever get over this? Will it always linger behind my eyelids and in the crevices of my bones?





{ DON'T EVEN KNOW }

it's not fair to have so much expectation on such a broken girl

will I ever get back to myself?